Crystals 1.0

This is going to be intense. Oh Yea, it was.

When i was 13, i started smoking cigarettes.

I had a 6 in Math Test, and the trust to my parents was too low to tell them easily. So i thought buying cigarettes would be a great idea. Well, here it started.

Fear is a big theme in my life.

I was full of it.

I imagine the human soul as a golden sphere. 

When we grow up, our parents tend to put loads of their own soul shit on their children.

The golden sphere starts to get covered by a black tar.

Everytime we hurt ourselfes by stealing, lying and so on a little bit of tar is put on this sphere. We feel it in the beginning.

Its a feeling like a knife is stabbed into our heart. It hurts. Time goes by, more bad behaviour and the feeling disapeares. We get used to the sin. 

Humans experience that day by day. You, dear soul reading know what i mean.

When we realize it we start to scratch layer by layer from it. A really painful and longtaking process.

 

When i started to abuse substances to supress my pain i could still feel it. 

I found a way to handle the pain the divorce of my parents caused in me. I was finally able to hold it down.

The emptiness in my chest was immense. I had a great step father. A men of honor and righteousness.

But  he could never compensate my father.

He left our family when i was 9 or 10. it was an on off situation beetween my mum and dad.

1997 he left germany the first time for one jear.he went with his buddy Peter to Portugal.

He opened there a restaurant and a bar in a small tourist fisher village at the algarve coast.

1999 he went there forever. With his younger girlfriend, Florentine. Puh...

They paid with the hearts of my older brother and me. Entry Fee to fucking soul jail.

My Dad did not pass his life test. Out of fear and hurt pride he left his family and started a new life without the only people who will ever love you if you let them. 

Your Children.

Poor guy. 

I managed in a long process of accepting and forgiving to understand my self worth, to start loving myself so i am able to love back. 

I don t blame my father, he surrendered to his demons and desires instead of surrendering to love. 

I m sad for him, but everyone has his/her way. Thats the way it goes.

Actually my fathers fault helped me so much to pass my personal life test. He was my best teacher.

He teached me by a high prize essential basics of ethics, moral and loyality.

Thanks Dad. From my heart, thank you dear Dieter to give me that teaching.

I would not have made it without you.